XXII

The first time I ever BS'ed an assignment was in first grade. Since it was Friday, it was show-and-tell day. Show-and-tell was invented by The Man to ingrain into the soft minds of American children that consumerism relieves the pangs of being a human. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition! Seeing as how I caught onto this at age six, show-and-tell was never anything I got hyped up over.

Inevitably, I forgot to bring something to class one week. Thanks to my mother's unwavering will to pump me full of potassium, I had a banana in my lunch box. The poor thing had been suffocating in the PVC entrapment for 4 hours and as a result it was all spotted. When it was my turn, I held up my spotty banana in front of the whole class and declared, "I know this is just a banana, but I brought this to show everyone today, because I call this a dalmatian banana."

"How clever!" my teacher exclaimed.