As a child, my parents always told me never to trust strangers, no matter how nice they seem. The prime example that was generally given was that of John Wayne Gacy. For
those of you too caught up in
MTV's hit new show Bromance, I'll quickly fill you in:
John Wayne Gacy (b. 1942) was a Polish High School Dropout with an
alcoholic father who beat up on him and called him gay.Like all good Poles, he hurriedly married the daughter of a KFC franchise owner. Through the marriage, John was promoted to manager in no time. There is no doubt that the marriage was arranged. "Father knows best" isn't just a saying, it's the truth. John's father was the first to realize his son was queerer than a $3 bill. Teachers and classmates recall John's affinity for contact sports, i.e. wrestling. It was no secret in the neighborhood that John's favorite part of the football game was the lockerroom interviews.
The Gacys settled in
Waterloo, Iowa and had a son and a daughter. Gacy worked hard at his KFC franchise but still found time to kick back and party with the
Jaycees. Despite his Polish heritage, John enjoyed the finer aspects of life (prostitution, porn, and hard drugs). To nobody's surprise, John grew tired of
his role as a father and a husband and opened a boys' club in the basement of his home, where he provided them with booze in return for
everything a Polish KFC manager could ever need.
Soon thereafter, two Waterloo boys, aged 16 and 15, accused him of
sexually assaulting them. In retalliation, John hired some punks to beat up on the accusers, but was quickly snitched on, found guilty of sodomy, and sentanced to
10 years in prison. His wife divorced him, his father died on Christmas day, and he never saw his children again.
After being released from prison, John
moved in with his mother and got a job as a chef in a Chicago restaurant. With the help of his mother, he bought a house with a four-foot deep crawl space under the floor. John remarried and had two daughters. Within the next several years, John was arrested a number of times for making sexual advances to children and teens, was divorced, and had become a political activist for the local Democratic Party, volunteering to
clean the party offices. With the bitches out of his life, John eventually earned the title of precinct captain and had the honor of having his photo taken with First Lady Carter, who was
in town for the annual Polish Constitution Day Parade that Gacy was directing for the third year in a row. Carter posed for pictures with Gacy and autographed his photo. In the picture, Gacy is wearing an "S" pin, indicating a person who has received special clearance by the United States Secret Service. During the search of Gacy's house after his arrest,
this photo caused a major embarrassment to the Secret Service.
As if he weren't weird enough, Gacy started dressing up as a clown, using childrens' parties and block parties as an excuse to
act out on his alter ego.
From summer 1975 till January 1977, several of Gacy's employees and aquaintances mysteriously disappeared. Dear reader, I hope it isn't too hard to guess that he was raping and killing the men (in no particular order), then stuffing their bloated decomposing bodies under the floorboards.
The kidnappings and rapeings and killings went on for a couple of years. Gacy's victims were all male, ranging from 14-21 in age. Gacy grew tired of stuffing hacked up bodies under the floorboard so he did what any sensible Pole would do- he hired a teenage boy to do the job for him. Eventually, said handyman waltzed into work one evening to find his employer dressed in his clown suit, drunk off his ass, and with a set of handcuffs. Somehow, Gacy was able to convience his employee to get into the handcuffs. Unfortunately, the genepool wasn't cleansed that night, as the teenager managed to find the key and escape.
On December 21, 1978, one of Gacy's employees told police that Gacy was bragging about killing 30 people.
Shortly thereafter, Gacy was convienently arrested for marijuana possession. Police took out a second warrant, went back to his house, and easily found the decomposing bodies in the crawlspace.
After being informed that he would now face murder charges, Gacy confessed to some 25-30 murders, telling investigators that most were buried in the crawlspace and on his property, and that he threw the last five bodies, after the crawlspace was full, off the I-55 bridge and into a river.
Gacy spent 14 years on death row before being lethally injected. During that time, he took up a hobby and painted his days away. Many of his paintings were signed by athletes, celebrities, and political figures such as Richard Nixon, the sold to charity. Usually, the famous signers were not informed that they were signing "
Serial Killer Art."
His last meal consisted of
KFC, strawberries, and deep fried shrimp.
His last words were "kiss my ass."
...But all of that is beside the point.
John Wayne Gacy's artwork sucks. 
SERIOUSLY.
