X

The END is coming and you may die!

There has been a lot of talk of Armageddon lately. From Mayan predictions to asteroid storms predicted in the Bible Code, everybody is looking at 21 December 2012. The running joke among us gun-toting, baby-saving Republicans is that Obama will have fucked things up so much by 2012 that...well, you know.

But no, you have it all wrong. We all remember back in '98 when we gathered in Sherman to welcome the X-ists that would destroy the Pinks. And we all remember being so disappointed when we came down off our high and realized the Normals were still walking among us. Ddate Program Theorists rattle on about the date being read upside down, that X-Day won't come until 8661. However, we Yeti refuse to belive that we'll have to wait 6653 years for the flying-saucers' rendezvous. The end of the world is and forever will be set to end 5 July 1998. The Gregorian Calendar is wrong. 5 July 1998 has yet to come.

I am proud to announce, dear readers, that this 5 July I will be in New York to welcome the Sex Goddesses.

And to the Burners (you know who you are) I'll just add that THIS Church is proud to pay its taxes. We're for-profit, we want profit, and we want to cast out false profits.

PRAISE "BOB"

IX

Call me petty, but I just don't like you.

VIII

Thanksgiving Prayer

To John  Dillinger and hope he is still alive.
 

Thanksgiving Day November 28 1986
 

Thanks for the wild turkey and
the passenger pigeons, destined
to be shat out through wholesome
American guts.


Thanks for a continent to despoil
and poison.

Thanks for Indians to provide a
modicum of challenge and
danger.

Thanks for vast herds of bison to
kill and skin leaving the
carcasses to rot.

Thanks for bounties on wolves
and coyotes.

Thanks for the American dream,
To vulgarize and to falsify until
the bare lies shine through.

Thanks for the KKK.

For nigger-killin' lawmen,
feelin' their notches.

For decent church-goin' women,
with their mean, pinched, bitter,
evil faces.

Thanks for "Kill a Queer for
Christ" stickers.

Thanks for laboratory AIDS.

Thanks for Prohibition and the
war against drugs.

Thanks for a country where
nobody's allowed to mind the
own business.

Thanks for a nation of finks.

Yes, thanks for all the
memories-- all right let's see
your arms!

You always were a headache and
you always were a bore.

Thanks for the last and greatest
betrayal of the last and greatest
of human dreams.

 

-William Burroughs 

VII

HOLY GOD YES, MEAT! MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT!

Who knew that something I like could produce things I like?

Words of encouragement!



Say, that's a real variety of meats. Kids LOVE sweetbreads!



Wait a minute...



You know what I really like in a meal? SURPRISES!



"But," I hear you declare, "I only know how to cook for women!"



"Ouch!", "Might not be terrible...", and "Who doesn't enjoy those?!"
In that order.



Golly, those were some great meals, but now what?



Well, I hope you've all learned a little about cooking with meat...and with luck, a little about yourselves!
Have a great day, kids!

Originally posted 9.6.08 on the myspace blog

VI

Upon awakening this morning, I turned to my lover and asked if he had given any thought to surviving a Zombie Apocalypse. Surprisingly, and disappointingly so, he didn't have an answer for me. I've figured my room would be an ideal place to hide, if I didn't have a way to get out of town. 3 stories up, dead-bolted steel door, cinder-block walls, a sink for water, and a balcony with one hell of a view. Sure, maybe my best bet would be to just sacrifice myself to live amongst the undead, but at least it doesn't sound as bad as being dismembered and disemboweled in the stairwell. I reminded myself that there is no food in my room. Nonsense! I have a hamster, a fish, and a roommate.

They say you learn something new everyday, and today, my lover informed me of an unfortunate biological trait we've adapted.

Since the dawning of civilization, cannibalism has been as natural as sex- every species does it, some do it more than others, some see it as a holy rite, and some look down upon it. What is often ignored is that if you eat your neighbor's arm before it is cooked, you'll throw it right up. This thought unnerved me. We eat raw fish in our sushi. We're only ever told to steer clear of raw beef, pork, and poultry because of parasites and bacteria. Surely at some point in recent time there have been cases of people eating raw human flesh and keeping it down. Right? Right? Wrong.
After extensive research, I've come to find that this fact is, sadly, true. Jeffery Dahmer, the Donner Party, Liver-Eating Johnson, and the survivors of Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 all roasted their victims/friends/coworkers over an open fire before consumption. I cannot express in words how far down my spirit sunk when I confirmed this fact. I imagine it's how the colorblind kid in that sappy movie felt when he found out he couldn't grow up to be a fighter pilot. Congratulations, human race, you've managed to over-evolve yourself to the point that if you had to survive off of eating each other, you'd better have a fire.

V

Another Halloween has come and gone.

The costumes change annually to keep up with whatever the Disney Channel is pumping into our kids' decaying minds, but one thing remains constant year-to-year:

Types of Houses Trick-or-Treaters will encounter

The Shut-In: This particular asshole will hide. Their lights go off for a couple of hours, and when the kids have left, the lights come back on. The unfortunate side-effects of being the 'shut-in' include getting "COCKCHEESE" written on your bay window, and the ever so popular egging.

The creepy old pervert: When asked "Trick or Treat?!" they are eager to see your treat, and then offer to show you their treats as well. Note: watch for their tongue licking their lips.

The Anti-Halloween Pentacostoids: They are rare, but usually one per neighborhood. They appear to be the friendly type and will even smile as they place a treat in your plastic pumpkin. Note: hey kids, this is where those little comic Bibles are coming from. Parents, don't try to return the tracts, because this might result in an ear-fucking diatribe about how you are in violation of...

EPHESIANS 5:11
or
I THESSALONIANS 5:22

The neighborhood cracked-out haunted house: We've all seen them, and sure as hell have been to one. Ironically, it is the neighborhood pariah who turns out to be this over-achiever that cluster fucks every light socket in their house with black lights, strobe lights, and other various motorized gadgets. This overgrown man-child will answer the door with a chainsaw and a hockey mask, scaring the crap out of children to the wonderful hardcore retro 33rpm record of Disney's Haunted Mansion Soundtrack (chilling thrilling sounds of the haunted house).